Of Byes That Ain’t Good…

And if love had a voice, the sound of your laughter would be it. I feel privileged to have existed in the same space with you, to have had the honor of creating memories with you. There are certain things in life that until you get a better version of, you will never realize how much of a bad version you had before. That’s what you were to me, that’s what you are – a better version of a good thing. I think about you more than I should. I close my eyes as I imagine the good times we had. Truth be told – I think I am afraid that even the good memories will hurt too. My mind is a runaway train, my thoughts are a shipwreck, a plane crush, a wild fire. Maybe that’s why they call it falling, is it meant to hurt?.

The truth is I miss you, I miss being with you, I miss breathing the breaths we used to trade . I miss you the most when I am having a good day, when I am reminded of how you were a candle in a cave to me. I miss you the most at 2AM, when I find myself doing the things you loved the most – like using chopsticks, like watching YouTube documentaries on how to bury bodies after committing murder. Like researching how to rob a bank and run away to Brazil, like eating BBQ chicken wings with a glass of wine.

We found songs that made us laugh,park benches that fit us perfectly. You taught me to loose the parts of me I thought I needed the most, the parts of me I thought I couldn’t live without. You taught me to fish inside of me, to overflow with love, to leak it unto everything that surrounds me, to wear my feelings proudly like it’s some kind of a designer suit. You taught me to laugh, ” laugh and laugh hard” you said, because that’s the quickest way to love. You reminded me to stop searching for the light at the end of the tunnel and seek God in the darkness.

You schooled me of how love is not always butterflies and magic, not always fairytales and cupids. Sometimes love is Black and Asian I mean white, sometimes she wears your favorite tshirts, sometimes she knocks on your door uninvited – just like the Watch Towers and sometimes , well sometimes love comes at the wrong time. I miss how I was more me when around you. I miss you the most on those days when you take a nap inside of my chest, on those days when you ask me for recipes to your favorite meals. I miss embracing you, not knowing where you end and I begin, holding you while I sleep as if I am fighting battles with you – for you. I miss the way your hand fits perfectly in mine.

I want more than this dying world for you, so I will let you fly and soar high for you are a diamond wrapped in gold dust in a bag full of combustible sedimentary rocks. I do hope you are the one but if not, then you are my favorite mistake for you are a prototype of the one. I will hold on tightly to the memory of the last time I saw you – just as beautiful as the first time. Until we meet again in three days or in three months, I will approach the struggle like it’s nothing new. I will be petty and change the Netflix password so you can drop me a message….

And ye now therefore have sorrow: but I will see you again, and your heart shall rejoice, and your joy no man taketh from you.

John 16 : 22

14 Comments Add yours

  1. This love though
    Beautifully written

    Liked by 1 person

    1. NASHE says:

      Thank you for passing by

      Like

  2. Well, aren’t we the hopeless romantics that are always left with pieces of our hearts bleeding in our hands? 💔

    Liked by 1 person

    1. NASHE says:

      Mama said to never be afraid to love, even those who do not deserve it.

      Like

  3. It’s beautiful, but eh😅 this love🙌

    Liked by 1 person

    1. NASHE says:

      Some Bonnie and Clyde kinda love haha!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Eunice says:

    This is beautiful and sad at the same time

    Liked by 1 person

    1. NASHE says:

      Ain’t that the definition of life – sad yet so beautiful!. It’s what makes it all the more worth it.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Eunice says:

        Couldn’t agree more!!

        Liked by 1 person

  5. tcndangana says:

    I hate goodbyes😔 but sometimes all you have to do is hold onto the memories

    Liked by 1 person

    1. NASHE says:

      They say sometimes the blessing is in the walking away…

      Like

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