You Confuse Me…

I do not understand how clouds toil in the skies , how they decide when it is the right hour to give birth to water, how they navigate earth and know when it’s time to head back home. I do not understand heaven nor do I understand hell. What if we are already in heaven and already in hell. What if hell and heaven co-exist right next to each other. Hold up!, What if poverty is actually hell and what we term success is actually heaven. What if the good days are what is heaven and the bad days are when the devil cuddles our thoughts. What if what we call the journey is actually the destination.

I do not understand the concept of death, of how we as humans yearn to go to heaven yet we are afraid of death. I do wonder if it is death or the fear of being forgotten that scares us the most. If it is the fear of being forgotten then help me to make sense of all of it. Why are we so anxious about being forgotten when we will never know if those that remain will remember us. I do not understand what feeling at home means. Someone once told me that home is any place that makes you forget that the world is on fire, even just for a moment. If that really is true then does that make you my home?. Maybe when we say ”I have no home” what we mean to say is ” my home is everywhere”.

Pic Credit | Michael Aboya

There are a lot of things I do not understand in this world, a lot of things that confuse me but if I had to make a list of the top three things I would say – 1. You, 2. You , 3. Credit card interest rates – You confuse me. You confuse me like the purpose of life does, like the purpose of creation, like the reason why I am here. I do not understand how you are a Santa clause that does not need to wait for Christmas, how you manage to smile even when everything else around you is crumbling. I do not understand how you play on my mind like a song, how you consume me, how you have so much aggression yet you carry the most gentle heart. I do not understand how you are such a breath of fresh air, so rare , how a blessing always follows you everywhere you go.

I do not understand how you do not know how to do nothing, how you are only in pursuit of positivity in spite of how the world tries to break you. How you carry so much joy and love real hard even when you are hardly loved – you confuse me. I can not imagine how it is like to walk in your shoes so I ain’t even gonna try , how about I buy you a new pair?. They say love rules without rules so maybe this is your way of showing me the ropes so I will perfect my craft, I will write my way into your heart. And if I fail to make you fall in love with me, at least you will fall in love with my art – either way I win.

You confuse me in more ways than I know how to count but one thing is true – you are proof that God answers prayers. I do not know where to start so here goes nothing – you fill my heart. You feel like sunshine, like the only thing that matters. You feel like sunshine, like the only battle worth surrendering too, like the only tornado worth running to, like a mixture of gold and rainbows.

Tell you what, I do not understand people who put sugar on avocados either but you are by far the greatest confusion I will ever have. I will fight for you until I have you or I will be destroyed by the pursuit. I need you to know that you are so loved, that I find home in you.

And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Colossians 3:14

2 Comments Add yours

  1. tcndangana says:

    Where have you been hiding🥺. I enjoyed reading this and the turn of events was unexpected but I loved it👏🏿

    Liked by 1 person

    1. NASHE says:

      Adulting has been doing a number on me but I am around. Thank you for passing by 🤝🏾

      Liked by 1 person

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